Not quite a failure

But almost! I got the results of my 3 hour test yesterday… the first hour number was SUPER high, but the other 2 were ok, so I'm not technically Gestational-ly diabetic, but they want to keep an eye on it. So, that means a blood draw to test my sugar levels every 2 weeks and a meeting with a dietician. Actually, the meeting with the dietician is kinda cool, as I'd love to eat better but have a really hard time knowing how to do so…and I DO eat way too much in the way of sugar and such. Hopefully it will be a good visit.

I'm still measuring big, which doesn't seem to worry anyone; my weight gain is perfect, as is my blood pressure. But based on some other stuff, my doc is still suggesting a c-section this time around and the wise and wonderful one and I have come to the conclusion that it's probably going to be the way to go. So, unless the powers that be decide this little one is coming sooner (which we actually think may happen), this little man will be born on Sept. 1st.

You know, I visit a website where the focus is on natural family living and parenting. It's odd – I really like a lot of their ideals and such, but they do exactly what they preach against (in an opposite manner) and it gets very annoying. I try very hard not to judge how people parent. It's an extraordinarily difficult job and since every person is different, and every baby is different, it's very hard to say X is right for ALL people. But that's what these people do. They believe in 'doing what's best for your family', but they are the most judgmental group of people ever. I'm not sure why women (mothers) have such a hard time with guilt and angst over parenting, but this place seems to make it worse instead of better a lot of times!!

Being a mother is hard. Being a working mother is hard. Being a stay-at-home mother is hard. There is no question about this. But the way we treat each other is absurd! Instead of saying – 'good for you, doing what's best for your family', we say "hmmm…." and then spout off about how wrong it is!. Look, I don't care how you (general you) raise your kid, as long as there is no abuse or horrible mistreatment. Do I think there are things people shouldn't do? Of course!! Those are the things *I* won't do. But do I sit here and judge what works for your family? Nope. Honestly, I just don't have the time and energy to raise anyone else's kids but my own. Shoot, half the time I don't have the energy for my own!

Anyway, there's no point to any of that, so if you're scratching your head, wondering where that all came from, don't. Mostly it comes from me making peace with myself and my mothering and my decisions after a nice long talk with the wise and wonderful one last night. We're gonna go ahead and do what's right for our family. In this case, scheduling a c-section is right for us. I was having issue with the societal pressure, but really, it's no ones business but hours. I went through labor with the boy (18 hours, I might add). I felt contractions, I got to call up my hubby and rush to the hospital, I even got to see/feel my water break. So really, I'm not missing out on anything. The most important thing to me is a healthy baby. So no matter how he comes out, the end result is the same.

It's amazing the number of decisions to be made as a parent: how to birth, whether or not to circumcise, whether or not to vaccinate, formula or breastfeeding, co-sleep or sleep in the crib, cry it out or soothe, schedule or not, stroller or sling, cloth or disposable….the list goes on and on. We like to think that we'll have a better handle on it this time around, but who knows. I'd definitely like to "wear" this baby more – I think it'll make it a lot easier to chase the boy around and work – hopefully he takes to it well. As of this moment, I'm still trying to decide what to do about feedings. I had such a horrible experience last time, that it's going to be a tough decision this time. But either way, I know my boy will be just fine.

I realize I'm babbling here…but for the first time in quite awhile I'm feeling more at peace with myself. I guess I didn't realize I wasn't until yesterday. I do know this: I want to eat better. I want to get into shape. I want to take pictures of my kids and keep up on my scrapbooking. I want to incorporate exercise into our life as a family. I want to be the best mom I can possibly be. I want to get through these terrible twos with as few scars as possible. I want to keep my satisfying and rewarding marriage. I want to run a successful business. I want to laugh and dance and smile more. I want my cats to puke less. I want to finish my new baby's room. I want to know once and for all that even though it will be tough, we will all adapt to a new baby in the house. I want to continue to work on our house until it's exactly how we want it to be…and then probably start all over. I want to find that place where I am satisfied with myself as a woman and a wife and a daughter and a mother all AT THE SAME TIME. I want to learn about new things. I want to swim. I want to worry less and have fun more. I want a name for the baby. But most of all, I want to stop typing…. and go scrapbook.