Oh the waiting

I told my melanoma story at least 5 times over the weekend at my mom’s surprise birthday party…people who care about me and wanted more details, more answers. By the last time, talking to my Godmother who has known and loved me my entire life, my stomach started to hurt.

It’s probably dumb, but it’s like the more people in real life that know, the more real, the more serious it seems. (not that I was thinking it wasn’t serious, just that I was able to kind of fool myself a little more when everyone wasn’t looking at me with THAT look. You know, the one of fear, sadness, horror?)

Here’s the thing…I’m fighting this melanoma … This cancer. I’m letting one of the nation’s top melanoma centers take care of me, trusting my doctors and my gut. And I will prevail. Yes, it might come back. But I’ll get regular skin checks and scans and if it does, I’ll fight it again.

There are three guys in my life that I’m not done with yet; I have too much love to give, too many lessons to teach (and learn) and way too many hugs left in me to be going anywhere. Screw that.

But this waiting? For the freaking birds!! I want to be done, moving on to the next step! One more week and I’ll have surgery; two weeks after that I’ll meet with the medical oncologist and hopefully soon thereafter will start drug treatment (after which, btw, I will be absurdly well rested and svelte! Hehe )

In the meantime, the waiting is being punctuated with times of inability to get anything accomplished. Moments of not knowing what I’m supposed to be doing. Moments of sheer panic about the things I haven’t gotten done yet followed by moments of having no clue how to get it all done. Worrying about how bad recovery will be, grossed out at the thought of a drainage tube, hoping my boys don’t start seeing me as Sick.

The waiting sucks.

Tagged as: surgery, waiting, whining