It turns out that the CT scan I had on Monday showed not only the [supposed] ovarian cyst still there, but also about 5 enlarged lymph nodes.  They are all in one area of the lower abdomen, so that’s “good” news. Lungs, heart, rest of torso all looked good on the scan.

What does it mean, you ask? Well, it means a needle biopsy in the next couple of weeks to see what little secrets the lymph nodes that are swollen are keeping.  Could be melanoma again, could be…well, something else. If it’s melanoma, then surgery is in my near future (again). And we go from there.  I’m certainly not ready to start looking beyond the biopsy.  I know what’s out there, but I am not crossing that bridge before we get to it, thank you very much.

I also have a MRI scheduled for Wednesday – they’re gonna check out my brain (and make sure it’s still there, I guess). I don’t mind the MRI so much, especially since I do appreciate its life saving properties.

This has certainly not been the most fantastic week.

Monday – sick boy, nearly missed the CT scan, CT contrast hang-over.

Tuesday – Mike’s grandpa not doing well (he passed away peacefully after midnight)

Wednesday – Blocked call shows up on my phone so I don’t answer it. Oops. Thus began the Phone Watch 2012 and the continued phone calls to the cancer clinic. Rough night of sleep.

Thursday – oy with the waiting all day. No call, poor sleep.

Friday – continued waiting. Shopping for funeral clothes. Dreary weather.

And finally the not so happy phone call(s). Which of course resulted in the phone calls to my moms and dad. OY.

Can I start drinking now?

P.S. 3 years ago we didn’t really talk to the kids about it more than saying I had some sick pieces of my body that needed to be removed. Guess I really have to talk to them if this goes beyond biopsy, eh? Dammit.

Fairly good.

Better than ‘not so good’ or ‘not good at all’ or ‘bad’.

Fairly good.

What that means, in real life, is that one of the 6 nodes that they removed in this latest surgery had a small amount of tumor in it. One out of six.  So yes, fairly good.

But not really good.  Or great.

So we have an appointment scheduled with the medical oncology doctor on the 13th to find out exactly what our next steps are.  Not sure if it will still be interferon, or if it will be something else. Wait and see, as usual, I guess.

In the meantime, I will get better, get stronger, and be ready to kick the rest of this cancer’s ass out of my body. (which sounds really strange when I write it that way, but you know what I mean, right?!)

I appreciate all good thoughts, juju, mojo, prayers, whatever you’re willing to send out into the universe for me!

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Matt went to the doctor this morning – they prescribed a short dose of steroid to get him out of this croupy cough. It will sure be nice to not wake up the sound of a seal barking him coughing.

Preston has a cold, but is still in good spirits, though I can tell he’s sick mostly by his desire to relax in the middle of the day! lol

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Today I will make sure the house is somewhat clean, the laundry done and my work caught up as much as possible. Tonight, I will take a shower with Dial (oh, the dry!) and repeat in the morning (seriously, oh, the dry!). No more eating after midnight, no more water after 7am.  My dog will be going on a short vacation (to avoid the ever popular jumping all over me issue), and my mom is coming to take care of my boys and is bringing her famous chicken noodle soup.  I have magazines, puzzle books, Alias & Mad Men on my phone, Glee on my DVR, and my laptop.  I think I’m ready for recovery, just have to get through the damn surgery first!!

It’s only 11:30 and Mike just said, man, this is going to be a long day. I believe he’s right.  I should be thankful, it gives me a great opportunity to get things accomplished. The problem? Getting up at 6:30 makes me want to accomplish a nap, not work or laundry or cleaning.  I’ve done a few things so far, but damn if I just don’t feel for any of it today!

We were supposed to take the boys bowling this morning with the neighbors (canceled due to teh sick) and then go golfing tomorrow while they were at school (canceled due to teh sick and crappy expected weather). The very things that were supposed to make today and tomorrow fly by are no longer happening.

Instead, the boys are about to build a train track, Mike is watching tv, and I am probably going to get some work done. Oh, and the dreaded laundry.  Maybe we’ll attempt some fresh air and a lawn mowing later, who knows.Either way, getting up at 6:30 on a Sunday morning sucks.

EDITED@12:15….Mom called and wants to go to IKEA…guess I have something to do to waste time today after all!

It’s probably dumb, but it’s like the more people in real life that know, the more real, the more serious it seems. (not that I was thinking it wasn’t serious, just that I was able to kind of fool myself a little more when everyone wasn’t looking at me with THAT look. You know, the one of fear, sadness, horror?)

Here’s the thing…I’m fighting this melanoma … This cancer. I’m letting one of the nation’s top melanoma centers take care of me, trusting my doctors and my gut. And I will prevail. Yes, it might come back. But I’ll get regular skin checks and scans and if it does, I’ll fight it again.

There are three guys in my life that I’m not done with yet; I have too much love to give, too many lessons to teach (and learn) and way too many hugs left in me to be going anywhere. Screw that.

But this waiting? For the freaking birds!! I want to be done, moving on to the next step! One more week and I’ll have surgery; two weeks after that I’ll meet with the medical oncologist and hopefully soon thereafter will start drug treatment (after which, btw, I will be absurdly well rested and svelte! Hehe )

In the meantime, the waiting is being punctuated with times of inability to get anything accomplished. Moments of not knowing what I’m supposed to be doing. Moments of sheer panic about the things I haven’t gotten done yet followed by moments of having no clue how to get it all done. Worrying about how bad recovery will be, grossed out at the thought of a drainage tube, hoping my boys don’t start seeing me as Sick.

The waiting sucks.