Matt had his first concert last night – he wore a shirt and tie at his own request and looked so damn grown up that I could have cried and signed him up for prep school at the same time. Preston is counting and talking so well and knows all his colors and is doing great with his letters; ready for preschool in the fall (you know, if he decides to use the toilet before then). Rarely do either of them sleep silently through the night (unless they are both in the big bed), but for the most part, they are fantastic, independent little boys.

And everybody still wants to know when we’re going to try for a little girl.

We blow them off, generally my response is a emphatic NO (with a disclaimer: but I reserve the right to change my mind). Mike and I have always been on the same wavelength – never saying absolutely not, but no immediate plans. And always saying that if we had a third, we would sure love for it to be a girl. We’ve talked here and there about adoption, especially since I was adopted, but honestly, if I were going to be blessed enough to have another, then that would be my first choice.

We’ve been coasting along nicely, the 4 of us, and it works pretty well. The whole 2 parents, 2 kids thing is pretty convenient! Adding another would certainly change the odds a bit. And in general, I’m pretty ambivalent to another kid right now.

Tonight, Matt and I were talking about babies, specifically, about when he was born and all of that (no idea how we got on that subject, but I can tell you that he asked if babies came out of the mama’s mouth! hehe. I told him how he was taken from my belly via c-sect, and slid past the other method by saying ‘down there’!). He mentioned that he thinks he should have a baby sister because there are 3 boys and just 1 girl around here. Then he amended it to thinking he should have TWO baby sisters! Oy vey! Makes me wonder who got to him… MOM?!

Anyway, I would have to be in a lot better shape (read: a lot freaking thinner) to even think about having a baby again, so it’s obviously not going to happen any time soon!! You know, if it ever will.

But I have had two psychics tell me over the years that I will have a third child and it will be a girl. So would it be fate or the power of suggestion or destiny or what then?

I was working on scrapbooking tonight – actually did part of Matt’s 3rd birthday and Preston’s 1st birthday…Matt wanted to know when I would do his 1st birthday page and I tried to explain that when it was just him, I was never 3 years behind in my scrapbooking!  The upside to being so far behind is that it’s a good excuse to see my boys when they were smaller and so damn cute!

My boys are so much alike and yet so amazingly different.  I can only imagine what another child would be like. Especially if it were a girl! I mean, adorable, certainly…

Wow, this a rambling and useless post, but I’m going to hit publish anyway. I mean, how can I go wrong on a post in which I use the word ambivalent TWICE!

First and foremost, please send your thoughts and prayers out to Maddie and her mama and daddy tonight…Maddie is in the hospital and had to be intubated…PLEASE go here and read about sweet little Maddie. And then, while you’re thinking about it, DONATE to the March of Dimes in Maddie’s name. (I did!)

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• Matt’s been having these major meltdowns lately, right around dinner time.  Tonight he got put in a time out, then taken to his room, then had video games and books taken away. After another round of him screaming that his dad was being “mean” to him, I went and had a little chat with him. I took the time and explained all those things we do as parents: how he gets a time out so he gets a chance to think and slow down; how we do it to make it better for all of us, why I like us to sit down and have dinner together… He finally acquiesced; finally accepted that we weren’t being mean to him for spite.  The worst part? As soon as I told him we would never do anything intentionally mean to him I couldn’t help but think of all those poor children who have parents who are mean to them; how horrible things happen to little kids and how I hope that I never have to explain or tell him about those mean things and those kids who have parents that don’t give time outs.

• (Quite a jump from time outs to child abuse, eh? Sorry, what a mood I’m in!)

• I went to the dentist today to have a tooth filled.  I hate going to the dentist. Hate with the power of a thousand fiery suns.  But it wasn’t too bad.  I mean, yes, it totally sucked and being numbed up just annoys the crap out of me, but the new dentist has a very light and gentle touch and was honestly concerned about my feelings {probably because I look like I’m in terrible discomfort and am as stiff as a freaking board in that chair!}.

• While I was there, I got a referral to an oral surgeon – turns out I’m not nuts – where my wisdom tooth was removed, there is something poking through the skin now! It’s one of three things: a bone fragment, a bone cyst, or something else.  So the oral dude will do a panoramic x-ray so he can see what it is (and then, probably cut me open, GAH!!)
• Preston is going to start potty-training. SOON.  I’m trying to prep him, but I think he’s going to fight me still.  I’m not above bribing him as much as possible to get this done.  I am SO sick of diapers.  I’m pretty sure he knows when he has to go…guess we’ll find out soon enough!

• Workers were protesting outside our local Wal-Fart today…apparently the new addition is being built by non-union people.  They were passing out fliers at the driveways to get people to avoid shopping there. I took one as I drove to Walgreens next door, letting them know that I certainly would never shop there now! hehe. (That’s funny because I absolutely refuse to shop there any day!)

• ABSCONDER – that’s kind of a cool word.

• I was supposed to do a bunch of work tonight at home since I left work early. But my head hurt from keeping my mouth open so long at the dentist and once the boys went to bed, I was totally out of the zone. So instead I’m writing this useless post.  Are you still here?

Huh. I think I had a lot more in mind to write about when I opened my laptop. Instead, I came up with the above half-assed list of nothingness. Think I’d better quit while I’m ahead!

Please don’t forget to send out good vibes for little Maddie and make a donation to March of Dimes!!

But lately, I don’t feel as connected to him as I used to. He’s my first born; my baby. But lately I seem to be yelling at him, insisting he move faster, get dressed, hurry up and eat, do this, do that, stop this, stop that. And I don’t like it.

He is very independent and grown up for his age, and I like that about him (I have always been very independent, since probably right around or right before his age and I think it’s a good thing). I probably see him as bigger than he is sometimes, and I’m certain that it’s easy to forget that he’s only FIVE.  The way he carries himself, some of the things he says or does have somewhere along the line made me feel like he’s big…and he’s really not.  I always lament the fact that kids grow up way too fast these days, but it seems that I am pushing my own boy to be big before his time. Why?

I think a lot of it is that he’s at school ALL day.  The mornings of craziness and evenings of madness are completely dissected by the fact that he is so busy being good for his teachers that he truly needs to comfort of home to release and be himself. Which I totally get.  But I’m not crazy about.

The mornings are crazy because he dawdles. He hims and haws and is as slow as molasses. He can’t make decisions without thinking them through for much longer than I want, and heaven forbid I try to simply make the choice for him – meltdown city!! I find myself yelling for about 20 minutes straight in the morning and I do. not. like. it. So I’ve tried getting him up earlier…he gets dressed and eats earlier, and therefore is ready to go, but then I still can’t get him out the door! I understand that he wants to play before school, but why can’t he understand that he needs to be ready earlier and get out the door on time to be able to do so?!

This last week he was home from school due to mid-winter break (totally not a vacation I had growing up!). I had forgotten what it was like to be home with both kids all day. Hello, chaos!  Mike was home sick Mon-Wed as well, so that made the week even stranger.  But they were good, just crazy together.  And the couple of trips we made to stores? Holy crap, it’s easier to shop with one kid!! Hard to believe how quickly I forgot that!

There were a few times when Matt had to be talked to about being mean to his brother, told to STOP doing whatever he was doing (to his brother), but for the most part, the three of us hung out and did well together.  Even bedtime wasn’t too bad. Of course, by Thursday night, Matt was on my last nerve with the bedtime ritual, but it worked out fine (because Mike was feeling better!).

You single moms out there? My utmost respect and admiration. Seriously.

And so I’ve determined, that in order to get him to be the best he can be, I need to be the best I can be. So starting Monday morning, I’m going to do my damndest to prod and push him out the door on time without yelling.  I’m going to sit him down and talk to him more and I’m going to spend more one on one time with him. And when it comes to reading books, I’ll take the time to chat with him instead of yelling at him to just be quiet and let me read. It’ll take longer, but it just might make it easier on both of us.

And maybe, just maybe, we can get through our days with less yelling and more laughing. With less reprimands and more praise.  Because really?  He’s awesome and I hate that in the midst of daily life I sometimes forget that.

Preston woke up around 1am (we were still awake, reading in bed). He’d had some kind of bad dream, came to our bed doing that heartbreaking cry. We get him all settled in and he starts to fall asleep.

Then he wakes with a start and starts crying for the juice. CRYING. As if he’d just lost his best friend crying. You know, that cry – the one that breaks your heart? Yeah.

For whatever reason, him just sobbing like that, even though it was for JUICE for goodness sake, got to me. My throat got all lumpy and the tears came. There really isn’t anything worse as a mother than the inability to soothe or fix your child.

And crying it out is supposed to be done in a room far away, where I can ignore it, not right next to me, where he’s putting his soft little hand on my arm and pleading for me to get him the only thing he wants!!

So Mike got him some juice (and then reproached me for not being able to let him cry) after about 15 minutes of that.

Preston had a horrible night. Which of course, means I did, too.  He couldn’t stop crying for the juice. It felt like every 5 minutes from 1:30 on.

Matt woke once in the middle of the night, but Mike got up with him, so I don’t know the result of that.

SIGH.  We’ll try again tonight.  Maybe we can tire him out today…maybe that will help.