I’m having a blah day today. Like a wave, it washed over me and dragged me under this morning and hasn’t let go. That’s not to say I haven’t been involved in life today – there was a soccer game and lunch and garage cleaning and of course, football watching. But I felt a little underwater…my leg was bothering me and then a migraine started to take hold.

Because in the back of my mind, since it wasn’t a busy day, or maybe because I had strange dreams or the freaking tide came in or because it was the 8th year anniversary of 9/11 or whatever, was the fact that I have cancer. The Big C. That word that is like bile; that no one ever wants to say out loud for fear that it will somehow become contagious. I. Have. Cancer.

What. The. Fuck. (sorry, Nic)

You know what it is? The waiting. Having to wait until the 29th to have this next surgery and then something like 3-4 weeks after that to start drug treatment? That is what sucks. That is what takes my breath away and makes a lump form in my throat.  I’m not scared of the surgery, I’m not scared of the drug treatment…whatever I have to do to be free of this crap and be able to be around for my boys and my love, is what I will do.  Short term pain for long term gain is fine by me (you know, so long as I get the long term gain).

I’m fine….HONEST.  I think I was just due to have a blah day; a retreat into myself kind of day so that I can get back to it.  Tomorrow is sure to bring the (fabulously) mundane tasks that keep the house going – dishes, laundry, playing outside, watching football, making pot roast and mashed potatoes.  I have a lovely list of things I want to get accomplished before having the next surgery, thereby keeping body and mind busy.  And now that I’m able to walk again, I’d like to take a few walks, get a little exercise, before I’m stuck on the couch for a couple weeks. Add that to getting to work three days a week, the time should fly by.

I hope.