After numerous phone calls and countless hours WAITING and WAITING for a return phone call from the message that was left by my oncologist, I FINALLY heard back, not once, but twice tonight.
It turns out that the CT scan I had on Monday showed not only the [supposed] ovarian cyst still there, but also about 5 enlarged lymph nodes. They are all in one area of the lower abdomen, so that’s “good” news. Lungs, heart, rest of torso all looked good on the scan.
What does it mean, you ask? Well, it means a needle biopsy in the next couple of weeks to see what little secrets the lymph nodes that are swollen are keeping. Could be melanoma again, could be…well, something else. If it’s melanoma, then surgery is in my near future (again). And we go from there. I’m certainly not ready to start looking beyond the biopsy. I know what’s out there, but I am not crossing that bridge before we get to it, thank you very much.
I also have a MRI scheduled for Wednesday – they’re gonna check out my brain (and make sure it’s still there, I guess). I don’t mind the MRI so much, especially since …
Here we go again
a year
one year
365 days
one biopsy, one diagnosis
one surgery, one recovery
another surgery, two scars more and another recovery
swelling, numbness and tingles
appointments, more appointments and additional appointments
no more cancer
(so far)
(the first 5 years after diagnosis are the most critical and most likely for recurrence)
(one year down)
nerves
I have an appointment with Dr. L tomorrow morning. He’s my oncologist.
Oncologist.
It’s just not right to have one of those. (I wish we could put them all out of business with a cure. I bet they wish that, too.)
I’m not sure why I’m nervous about this visit. Maybe it’s because we’re a few weeks away from the year mark of my diagnosis. Maybe it’s just the culmination of all the stress over the past few weeks. Maybe it’s the fact that I need to shave my scarred up leg (can you say pain in the ass?) – hehe. Maybe I’m not worried about MY doctor appointment, but rather Preston’s appointment with the pediatric surgeon later in the afternoon.
Either way, I haven’t stopped stress eating for days. I haven’t exercised. I haven’t cut back on Coke. Maybe after tomorrow I can find a new normal.
I’ll keep you posted.
In the shadows
It’s 65 and blue skies today….sunny and gorgeous. The kind of day where the breezes caress rather than sting; where the sky smiles with clarity that has been missing for months.
This is the kind of day that, exactly one year ago, I would have been camped in the sunshine. Feeling the warmth and slowly adding color to my winter-pale skin.
Today I stick to the shadows. I briefly felt the warmth of the sun on my skin and immediately felt guilty. There’s sunscreen in my lotion, but I know it’s not enough. From now on, I need to cover up with something – clothes or sunscreen.
I’m sure it probably sounds silly, but that little bit of springtime color has been part of me for my whole life. I know I can still lift my face to the sun and feel the warmth on my arms and feet, but it’s just not the same anymore. Now my basking will be coated in something slightly sticky and slightly smelly.
Cancer sucks.
Pale and clear
I was trying to come up with some catchy quote about skin, but I could only think of Silence of the Lambs (CREEPY) and so you get pale and clear…
I am already so pale, although I normally am this time of year, so that part isn’t that strange. The strange part is knowing that I won’t be any less pale without using some spray or rub on something or other for the rest of my life. It sounds so absurd to be upset about not being tan when I should just be thankful I am alive (I AM, I swear!), but for the first 35 years of my life, it’s been all about being tan and looking “healthy”. Pale is the new tan? Bah. I’ve always felt better, felt like I looked better, and had more confidence when I was tan. I guess I’ll have to find that particular ego boost elsewhere.
All this babbling to say that I saw the dermatologist today for my full body scan. {short aside: Doesn’t full body scan sound like it should be way cooler than 2 doctors looking you over from head to toe? Shouldn’t there be bright lights and machines and photos or …
