one year

365 days

one biopsy, one diagnosis

one surgery, one recovery

another surgery, two scars more and another recovery

swelling, numbness and tingles

appointments, more appointments and additional appointments

no more cancer

(so far)

(the first 5 years after diagnosis are the most critical and most likely for recurrence)

(one year down)

I have an appointment with Dr. L tomorrow morning. He’s my oncologist.

Oncologist.

It’s just not right to have one of those. (I wish we could put them all out of business with a cure. I bet they wish that, too.)

I’m not sure why I’m nervous about this visit. Maybe it’s because we’re a few weeks away from the year mark of my diagnosis. Maybe it’s just the culmination of all the stress over the past few weeks. Maybe it’s the fact that I need to shave my scarred up leg (can you say pain in the ass?) – hehe. Maybe I’m not worried about MY doctor appointment, but rather Preston’s appointment with the pediatric surgeon later in the afternoon.

Either way, I haven’t stopped stress eating for days. I haven’t exercised. I haven’t cut back on Coke. Maybe after tomorrow I can find a new normal.

I’ll keep you posted.

It’s 65 and blue skies today….sunny and gorgeous. The kind of day where the breezes caress rather than sting; where the sky smiles with clarity that has been missing for months.

This is the kind of day that, exactly one year ago, I would have been camped in the sunshine. Feeling the warmth and slowly adding color to my winter-pale skin.

Today I stick to the shadows. I briefly felt the warmth of the sun on my skin and immediately felt guilty. There’s sunscreen in my lotion, but I know it’s not enough.  From now on, I need to cover up with something – clothes or sunscreen.

I’m sure it probably sounds silly, but that little bit of springtime color has been part of me for my whole life. I know I can still lift my face to the sun and feel the warmth on my arms and feet, but it’s just not the same anymore.  Now my basking will be coated in something slightly sticky and slightly smelly.

Cancer sucks.

I was trying to come up with some catchy quote about skin, but I could only think of Silence of the Lambs (CREEPY) and so you get pale and clear…

I am already so pale, although I normally am this time of year, so that part isn’t that strange.  The strange part is knowing that I won’t be any less pale without using some spray or rub on something or other for the rest of my life.  It sounds so absurd to be upset about not being tan when I should just be thankful I am alive (I AM, I swear!), but for the first 35 years of my life, it’s been all about being tan and looking “healthy”.  Pale is the new tan? Bah.  I’ve always felt better, felt like I looked better, and had more confidence when I was tan. I guess I’ll have to find that particular ego boost elsewhere.

All this babbling to say that I saw the dermatologist today for my full body scan.  {short aside: Doesn’t full body scan sound like it should be way cooler than 2 doctors looking you over from head to toe? Shouldn’t there be bright lights and machines and photos or something?!)

The resident looked me over first – poor kid looked freaking exhausted and sort of scared; I found out his wife is having their second baby in 2 weeks, too! No wonder he had circles the size of dinner plates under his eyes!  I don’t mind the residents. U of M is a teaching hospital, and I’ve had good experiences.  This young doctor knew his stuff, but was a little rushed, so I hope he can pull out of that.

The attending came in after – she was soft spoken and very nice – good bedside manner but not too soft, if you know what I mean.  She looked me over, too (which was good, because seriously, I think the resident missed a few spots here and there! hehe).  Before she left, she leaned down, looked in my eyes and said “You look great. Nothing suspicious or worrisome at all.”  I finally released the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.  {She also told me that the good news about my scars being so thick is that people who heal that way tend to look younger longer as they age. hehe}

So.

All clear.

Back in 3 months to see the oncologist and 6 months to see her again.  In the meantime, I have to keep an eye on my skin, wear sunscreen and report any issues, not matter how small or insignificant I think they may be.

I can handle that.

Ever since I was diagnosed with Melanoma back in July, the bills have been piling up.  Fortunately, Mike has very good insurance through his company and our out of pocket expenses have been minimal – I think we may have spent more in $2 parking structure fees for each visit than total copays at this point.  We are lucky.

The whole government health care reform is a touchy subject for a lot of people – but not for me. See, I believe that everyone deserves health care, and affordable care at that.  The insurance companies are making a LOT of money, and since I’m on the side of health related work, I can tell you that the doctors don’t see squat compared to the insurance companies.  Other countries are successful with it, and if we’re the “greatest country in the world”, why couldn’t it work for us?

Anyway, just for fun, I thought I’d share my bills with you.  Remember, this is from diagnosis through physical therapy and everything in between.  I can’t even imagine the costs if I had had to go through the interferon or chemo. Oh, and for fun, know that while I was going through all of this, there was a 6 week period in which neither Mike nor myself received paychecks, so if we hadn’t had insurance, we would either have lost our house or be on the way to it, or would be making payments to U of M for YEARS.  If that isn’t an incentive to get people covered, I’m not sure what is.

• 07.13.09 – Initial visit with Dermatologist (out of network) – [$180]*
• 07.13.09 – Pathology $175
• 07.20.09 – Microslide Consult $216
• 07.29.09 – Cancer Consult Visit – $415 [$20]*
• 08.20.09 – Pre-Op Visit #1  Includes crutches, bloodwork and labs. $216
• 08.26.09 – Surgery #1 (outpatient) Includes all things surgical, down to the gown, sutures, etc. $9,435
• 09.25.09 – Initial Stockings (2 pr) $380
• 09.29.09 – Surgery #2 (23 hrs of care, still outpatient) – Inclues all things surgical, plus drain and supplies. $12,616.60
• 10.13.09 – Office Visit $319 [$20]*
• 10.28.09 – MRI#1 and CT #1-3, includes dyes $9,073
• 11.30.09 – Physical Therapy – $616
• 12.01.09 – MRI#2, including dyes $2,663
• 12.07.09 – Physical Therapy – $420
• 12.08.09 – Labs /  bloodwork for follow-up $236
• 12.08.09 – Office Visit – $100
• 12.14.09 – Physical Therapy – $336
• 12.14.09 – New compression stockings (1 pair) $152

Grand Total: $37,548.60

*[] Amounts we paid out of pocket.