I posted more details at my melanoma site, but the basics are that Dr. L doesn’t know what is causing my pain and is sending me for a CT on Monday to figure it out. Could be another ovarian cyst, could be scar tissue, could be….well, who knows. We’ll just wait to see.

Now, if someone could hurry up and make decent tasting contrast, I’d be golden.

I really don’t know what is wrong with me lately. I’m fairly healthy but the past year and month have been kicking my ass.  It really started, I think, with the ovarian cyst at the end of September. (remember, the whole ‘you’ve got appendicitis’ urgent care trip that developed into ‘meh, it’s just a cyst, go home’ at 5 am)

Well, it turns out the ER doctors made note on my file that that no big deal cyst might be cancer. They never mentioned that to me or I never would have gone home willingly, trust me.  When I followed up with my OBGYN a few days later and asked, his response was ‘definitely not’.

But now, I have to wonder, don’t I? Because the pains keep coming back, all on my right side where my melanoma was, and they keep presenting in different ways. The back pain, the cyst-like pain, the right flank pain, the slight nausea, the general malaise.

For once I’m almost looking forward to my Oncologist appointment this week.

{cross post at DefyingMelanoma}

I spent the morning at Starbucks, taking up a table, sipping a mocha and ice water and thinking.  I did some writing, some reading and a little more writing.  I’m trying to figure out some serious work issues and I needed the time to find my brain and heart somewhere in there. I didn’t come up with all of the answers, but I managed to come up with a plan and will work more to that tomorrow.  I’m honestly not sure where it’s all going to end, but I definitely needed the time today to think.

Once I felt I had over-stayed my welcome at the Bux, (also my coffee was gone), I headed to one of my favorite parks in Ann Arbor. The weather was on my side – overcast, but near 40 degrees, so not too terrible.  I parked, felt my shoulders relax and walked. And walked some more.  {I took a bunch of pictures, but they’re on my phone, so will have to wait until the morrow to post those}

And I had some thoughts while I walked…

When did I stop believing in myself? When did I stop doing things for me? For joy? For living? Where did I lose my confidence??

When did I stop splashing in puddles and start worrying about getting wet? When did I become so afraid? When did I get scared of being lost and losing control? When did I forget how to just live?

When did I get so flipping lazy?! Walk the dog! Go to the park! Take pictures! Take the fork in the road!

When did I stop breathing?

When did we stop smiling and saying hi to people we pass?