these are all things I’ve received over the last few weeks from people near and far.  From neighbors to friends to friends of friends to people I’ve never met in person. It’s pretty spectacular.

But it’s not the things, it’s what is behind them.

The good thoughts, the prayers, the desire to help me get through these treatments and recovery, the care and love for me and my family. Some things came from the people who live in my computer; some came from right next door. The bottom line is this: people care about me and want to help me and that is amazing to me.  Not that I think I’m not deserving, but I am so used to being the one who gives and takes care of and worries about that I am truly blown away by the love I’ve been shown.

Life is good.

Actually, I don’t remember much of the week…I begged let them drug me up pretty well because of the constant sickness.  I remember seeing the boys and them having to leave because I was entering chill mode; I remember Shine bringing me a Slurpee like the awesome friend she is, and I remember my mom and brother coming. And then my mom and mil came and spent the night.  Pretty sure I thought I was done for at that point.

Anyway, it sucked. I was able to get 6 more treatments, which made Dr. L happy.  (Pretty sure I told him I didn’t like him very much at one point as well) and at the end of June I’ll have another PET scan to see what kind of progress was made (there had to have been some, because I’ll be damned if I went through that for nothing!) There are many variables that will determine what the next plan of action is, so in the meantime, I’m going to heal and rest and enjoy not being in the hospital.

It’s kind of hard to be home because I seem all better, but I’m not – I mean, this time I feel a lot better than the last recovery week (turns out I probably had the flu last time) – but there are still so many little things that add up to be so very annoying. Just for fun…mouth sores, sore throat, crazy cough, reflux with the only symptom being the feeling that something is stuck in my throat, itchy skin everywhere, super dry skin around eyes, dry mouth, swelling, appetite changes, exhaustion…well, you get the idea.  The IL2 is still in me, so as it works its way out, these symptoms will fade. But in the meantime, GAH! And UGH!

I so very much just want to be better for my boys. I know they’re tired of seeing me sick all the time and I don’t blame them. I literally went from supermom to bedmom within days and I know it’s hard on them. It’s hard on me too.  It’s hard not to get so very angry at so many things right now.

But it won’t help, so I’m focusing on breathing and healing and (scratching…oh my goodness the scratching…) and getting through this.

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PS: A friend of mine posted this on Facebook – take a few minutes and watch it – then share it.

 Dear 16 Year Old Me

Days 3 and 4 got worse each day. I couldn’t eat on Wednesday, which made the treatments even harder, I think. I’ve never been good with a lot of medication, and especially not on an empty stomach. I was nauseous and needed the bathroom a lot. The itching wasn’t too bad, but the stomach issues made everything seem a LOT worse.

I was sent home Friday morning after receiving a total of 9 doses of the IL-2. My doctor was very pleased.  I was really thinking that the recovery was going to be super smooth.

HA!

I’ve been in bed ALL WEEK. What started and continued as exhaustion and nausea, turned into the flu and then a nasty cough later this week. I cannot believe how much I’ve been sleeping!

We spent 4 hours at the ER yesterday to find out that I, indeed, did have a cough. I was prescribed antibiotics and cough meds. This afternoon I called my doctor and told him that I wouldn’t be taking those. I’m so sick of being sick to my stomach.  I need a couple of days of NO meds before I start again on Monday.

Tomorrow is the boys’ opening day for baseball and I fully intend on being there, at least for their games.

Maybe my expectations were way too high, so the week I’m home after the next dose, I’m PLANNING on being in bed the whole week. That way, if I’m better, we’ll all be pleasantly surprised.

Mike has been continuously amazing and giving and selfless. He’s running himself ragged and it breaks my heart (even though I know it’s ok, it still upsets me).  Our moms have been wonderful, especially with helping with the boys and cleaning up the house for us.  Between them and all of the text, dms, fb messages and emails, we are so very thankful.

The boys are doing well – they are understanding and so good with this whole thing. I’ll miss them terribly again next week, but I know they’re in the right hands with their dad.

Now….to get through the next two days without dread or sickness….

I had my 4th dose of the IL-2 this afternoon at 4 o’clock. No major reactions, but we’re keeping pretty up on the pre-meds to avoid things like headaches and nausea. I’ve been feeling fairly tired and beat up for the past couple of hours. My central line is sore because she just changed my bandages and I am in need of shower and clothes change, but might as well wait until the morning now.

I’m pleased with my progress so far and very glad the worst symptoms haven’t shown up – fingers, toes and eyes crossed that they don’t and I make it through this week with as many treatments as possible.

For those of you that don’t know, May is Melanoma Awareness Month. The market isn’t saturated with pink ribbons and yet it is a leading death-causing cancer. I’ll do a post at Defying and here soon, but just a quick reminder that no tan is a safe tan unless it comes from a bottle/spray and please remember that you need sunscreen and need it reapplied often. I hate the idea of someone else going through this.

I’m going to try to get some sleep now, but knowing you guys are out there, sending me messages and tweets and awesome gift boxes makes all of this just a little bit easier and I really appreciate it.

Mike and I dropped off the boys at school and came right to the hospital. Down in the basement (which always makes me laugh, but the reasons are good – you wouldn’t want radiology and MRIs on the main floor!) I was called back fairly quickly, had my procedure explained and then they got right to it. It was nice to be early for a change. Of course, it didn’t help me get admitted any faster…

The central line in my neck was uncomfortable, but not painful. The worst part was the pinch and burn of the numbing drugs. 10 minutes later, I was told I could get dressed and go up to admitting. The nurse at that point had the sense of humor of a snail and was very serious about warning us not to leave the hospital and to never wander around aimlessly. Oy. Luckily that was our last interaction with her!

Admitting had no room for me, so we set out to wait. We had lunch, we napped, we wandered the halls, we waited. And then we waited more. Finally, at almost 3, we were sent upstairs. Sadly, no private room for me, BUT the person that was here left and what arrived was a beautiful 18 year who is on her 6th round of chemo for lymphoma and is laughing and living her life. She’s inspiring and I’m glad they chose my room for her to be in!

My first dose of the IL-2 was fine….for about an hour and a half…then I was struck with a terrible migraine and major chills. A couple of meds, warm blankets and a nap later, I was feeling better.

My blood pressure is holding steady, and my nausea is controlled (in part, thanks to my trusty stash of mini saltines!)

My next round is scheduled for midnight, with pre-meds at 10:30. Hoping the next dose goes as well as this one did, instead of worse. FINGERS CROSSED.

They’re pumping fluids into me and Dr. L warned me that I will balloon up a bit this week. FUN! Seriously, if that is the worst, I will take it!!

Stay tuned for more adventures from Room 125!