Missing: Me

June 15, 2012 · 4 comments

I can’t find myself…my motivation…my mojo.

I’ve finally turned the corner physically. I’m no longer coughing to a gag or feeling crappy every moment of the day. I’m not 100% – I still have gagging fits, still feel crappy from time to time, but much better in general. My latest ailment has been backaches, but I attribute that to my nearly 20 year old mattress, not the big C.

My scan is on the 25th; I see my oncologist on the 29th for the results. I’m nervous subconsciously. I’m nervous consciously when I get aches and pains in my right leg. I’m straight up scared when I get pain in my right groin area.

We’re supposed to be doing some kind of family vacation the week following my scan, as Mike gets that week off.  I can’t bring myself to plan anything, no matter how much I want to (and trust me, I WANT to. I want need a vacation!). I get to searching the web and then walk away. I can’t commit, because I feel like everything is up in the air.

All of this? Lack of motivation, inability to get things done, lack of desire to get things accomplished, inability to commit? This isn’t ME.  I didn’t really think cancer was going to change the basic me.  I figured it was something I’d deal with, but the rest of me – the inside ME would be the same.

But I feel like I’m just biding my time and waiting.

 

 

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Sarah June 15, 2012 at 11:19 pm

Come over, snuggle with me a bit, I’ll pass off some mojo I finally got back.

Mono killed my mojo for weeks after I felt better. Cancer? I would estimate would kill your mojo for longer … keep working toward it. You have changed, but you haven’t.

Lots and lots of love, friend.
xo

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Karen June 15, 2012 at 11:26 pm

That my darling, seems all perfectly normal to me. You have been through the ringer. It sucks. And you know, it’s ok to feel apathetic sometimes.

Up in the air really is your reality, I’m sorry that it is… But I know exactly the place you are in – my mom went through that too, it’s ok. Its ok to be scared, feel like you can’t commit and it’s ok to be tired.

Oneiment at a time my love. I’ll be thinking of you and your groin when you go in for results on the 29th.

Xo

Reply

Karen June 15, 2012 at 11:26 pm

That my darling, seems all perfectly normal to me. You have been through the ringer. It sucks. And you know, it’s ok to feel apathetic sometimes.

Up in the air really is your reality, I’m sorry that it is… But I know exactly the place you are in – my mom went through that too, it’s ok. Its ok to be scared, feel like you can’t commit and it’s ok to be tired.

Oneiment at a time my love. I’ll be thinking of you and your groin when you go in for results on the 29th. A

Xo

Reply

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo June 16, 2012 at 2:52 am

It may not be you but I am pretty sure that you will find it is path of the course.

And it will pass.

Your mojo shall return awesomer than ever.

xxxxxx

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