exhausted

Today was a crappy day speckled with high points. Sadly, those high points aren’t helping me right now. I’ll save those for another post.

I’m every bad metaphor you can think of and then some. Every adjective that you’ve ever used to describe being in a bad way. Drowning. Lost. Distraught. Confused. Looking for a sign. Wondering if I’d see a sign if it smacked me in the face. Guilt-ridden. Exhausted. Terribly, terribly exhausted. Bereft. Just so tired of being the strong one. The one that has it all together and can make it through anything.  Today is not a good day.

I’m exhausted from mourning the loss of Mike’s grandpa. I’m exhausted from worrying that my melanoma is back. I’m exhausted trying to cajole Matt into just getting his homework done and Preston to just go to the freaking bathroom already. I’m exhausted from trying to keep my office afloat and doing everything I can to make things good and right just to turn the corner and get sucker-punched yet again. I’m exhausted from pain and trying to pretend I’m not in pain.

Normally, I’m all

• “It is what it is!”
• “One step at a time”
• “I’ll [we’ll] get through this!”
•  “It’s no big deal!”
•  “I’m fine!”
• “Everything will be ok”
• “Other people have it way worse than I do”

I’m not feeling any of those today. I’m NOT fine, I’m freaking scared that the melanoma is back, because let’s be honest – people without cancer don’t normally just have lymph nodes swell up and cause ridiculous pain.  Yeah, people have it worse than I do – I can name 5 off the top of my head…

But let’s be honest:  I have fucking cancer that is probably back and I don’t have an appointment for a biopsy yet. {But hey, at least I can have an appointment to CONSULT with a surgeon who will do the biopsy one day!!} I have pain in my groin where my nodes are swollen and further down my leg as the days pass. It’s not fine. It  My back hurts from trying to keep my leg from being in pain. I don’t want my kids to know what is going on so I’m trying to not act like I’m in pain, but I know that they know.

I’m having serious trouble at work and I feel like EVERYONE knows exactly what is going on and they are judging me and looking at me like I am the failure I am. It’s like a damn cartoon rain cloud over my head. Sunny one moment, then BAM! Just like Lucy taking the football away from Charlie Brown as he goes to kick it.

I’m angry and frustrated and sad and disappointed. I need a vacation but lack the funds to take one. I need to know what is going on with my nodes and yet I lack the power to find out fast enough.

I’ve been disappointed by people, I’m being prayed for by different groups and religions, and I’m in need dire of a sign, a psychic, a lottery win and a giant glass of wine and a bubble bath.

Good god, I’m freaking tired.