Used to be

October 20, 2011 · 6 comments

Today, I heard my dad say that I “used to be beautiful”.

Yes, used to be


Two of my BFFs have lost the equivalent of a person in the past year. They both look fabulous and I fully support them both in their efforts. I am extraordinarily proud of them. They’ve made many changes, worked hard and stuck with it.

I’ve made changes, gone back, started and stopped [x 100] exercising, and basically have been the same for about 2 years now: admittedly overweight and out of shape. Am I thrilled with how I look? Not 100% of the time. Will I eventually get it together? Absolutely. Has my excess weight changed who I am? Hell no. I’m still ME, just squishier.

My dad has always had issues with people being overweight. He’s weightist. (no, he has never been overweight-pretty sure he is too good for that) He’s never been quiet about it; I’ve always known his feelings on fat. So of course I know he doesn’t approve of the weight I’ve put on over the years, but that’s life. And it’s my life.


Today, I walked in my office while my dad was there and he didn’t see me. [which excuses nothing].
He was talking to my friend/employee about the weight she has lost. As he should – she looks fantastic!
As I was walking up, I heard him say “I’ve got her wedding picture on my desk…she used to be so beautiful!”

I turned around and walked away.  What she said then was “She still is!”. I didn’t ask what his response was. It doesn’t matter.  The fact that he said that out loud, to one of my best friends, in my office, negates anything he said after.  Either way, I’m certain he didn’t regret what he said or take it back and exclaim “of course she is!”.

I went into my private office where I have a copy on my desk of the same wedding picture he has on his: it’s a picture of him and I during the dad/daughter dance at my wedding.  I was 21. I’m not 21 anymore.


I used to be a number of things

  • insecure
  • single
  • not a mom
  • a college student
  • new at my job
  • technologically challenged
  • afraid of things
  • not confident
  • quiet
  • skinny
I’m not any of those things any more.
But I am beautiful.  Maybe not the same as I was when I was 21, but this body has produced amazing children, fought cancer [and won] and is healthy enough to play and learn and find happiness.
And those two amazing friends that lost so much weight? Never hesitated to have my back. That’s as beautiful as it gets.

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

avasmommy October 20, 2011 at 4:59 pm


I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you had to hear that. I’m sorry your dad is too blinded by what people look like on the outside that he fails to notice the important parts: What’s inside.

People can be skinny and in super good shape and still be some of the ugliest people I know.


PsychMamma October 20, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Ooof. That’s just awful. And hurtful. And shallow. And sad. I’m so proud of your response here. True beauty is always found on the INSIDE, and I’m so glad you realize that. My mother-in-law is prone to similar comments, so I know that you can KNOW all the things you listed here, but it still doesn’t negate the hurt. I’m sending you love and hugs and I’m here to tell you, you ARE beautiful. In every way. Anyone who doesn’t see that? Pfffffffft on them.


phenom October 20, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Amen! Who cares what he thinks. He’s an ass. I think you’re beautiful!


cindy w October 20, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Oh man, that stings. Mine went in the opposite direction – criticized by my dad all of my life about my weight until I had gastric bypass. NOW he approves of the way I look. (Although during both pregnancies, I was constantly warned to “be careful you don’t put on too much weight.” Uh, with my first pregnancy, I was so sick that I gained 1 pound total. The 2nd one, I gained 12 pounds, which is hardly astronomical.)

So, I get it. I don’t hear that crap as much as I did when I was a kid, but it still hurts. And I’m sorry.


Shine October 20, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Love you so much honey! You are absolutely beautiful and have always been! You are absolutely right that no matter your size, you’re still YOU and I’m so glad that you are! That he can’t see you, or know you like I do is sad and frankly disappointing. Not that you expected better of him I’m sure, it’s tough not getting any positive validation from a parent, but he was ridiculously thoughtless and I hope he offers some kind of apology.

Please know that there are so many that love you and support you, you don’t need to let his careless comment throw you. You are a good person, mother, friend, wife and will always be beautiful to us!


Mom October 29, 2011 at 6:44 pm

You are the most beautiful and amazing person that I know. My heart aches for you and my tears won’t stop falling. You are a wonderful wife, mother, daughter and friend. You are confident and ok with who you are. Not everyone can say that. You handled it so well – better than me. I will never forgive him. There are only two things that came out of that marriage – you and Scott – the two joys of my life. Just remember that you have a sea of people that love and admire you just the way you are and will always protect you. I am here for you always. Love you!


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