hard to breathe

“Hey, it’s J from school. P threw up all over himself”

Deep breath. “Is he okay? I’m on my way!”

I frantically stacked up my paperwork, turned off the computer screen and grabbed my bag.  Whatever accomplishment filled work zone I had been in was certainly gone now.

*****

I walked quickly through the school doors, eyes set on getting a glimpse of my sweet, sick little boy. At first glance as I approached I wondered where he was, and what was wrong with the bigger kid in the office.  A couple of steps closer and I realized that bigger kid was my baby. Briefly I wondered when that had happened.

*****

He coughed hard enough to throw up.  Worry filled me as I pasted a smile on my face and took him home. Set up under a blanket with a bowl in his lap, I called the doctor.  He’s been coughing on and off for months. My slight concerns about a cold lasting too long were turning into a slight panic.  An appointment was made.  We waited.

*****

It was the first real playdate/birthday party he had been invited to.  One that included McDonalds, Miniature golf and ice cream. I was thrilled when he said he wanted to go, worried he would be too shy.  He was vibrating with excitement this morning: “I just can’t wait until after school!” We were going to send him anyway, knowing that the throwing up was a direct result of the coughing. Then, I touched his forehead and my heart sank.

101.2

No party, no school the next day.  Sad little boy, pained mama.

******

Watching him cough, his little body just hurting, and knowing there wasn’t anything I could do was devastating me.  I started looking at websites about it possibly being asthma and not just another cough and cold.

******

Turns out, there are many things a mom doesn’t want to be right about.

Asthma.

Possible strep throat.

High dose steroids, then lower dose, plus inhaler on hand at all times.

Possible antibiotics.

*******

I know it could be worse (so, so much worse), but it’s bad enough.  The fear of something happening and him being unable to breathe feels like a sucker punch to the stomach. I’ve been trying to hold in the tears, but I just feel so bad for my little dude.  He’s so good and sweet and to be worried about something like this just hurts my heart.

******

He takes up the whole bed (KING SIZE!). Every single time he coughs, I startle.  Is this the one that is going to hurt the most? Is this the fit that will cause us to need yet more blankets and another set of sheets and pillowcases?

******

Fairly certain this mama won’t be getting much sleep tonight.

Tagged as: asthma, coughing, fear, mama sadness, preston