Dawn and the terrible, no good, awful few hours

I was having a fairly good day today – until about 3:00.  I was in the middle of grocery shopping when I lost a circle of my vision in my left eye, indicating a lovely ocular migraine quickly taking over my head. It moved to my right eye while I grabbed green onions, and the nausea hit while I was picking out apples.  The searing pain waiting until I was scanning my goods. The sweating starting while I was bagging. Thankfully, my vision came back on my way to the car and the pain subsided slightly.  By the time I got home, the only thing hanging on was a slight throb and nausea.  Weird.

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I picked up the boys on foot today. The fall weather has been way too beautiful to drive; it will be nasty soon enough. Preston whined a little about walking home, but made it fine and was in a good mood (so I thought).  The boys had some snacks, checked out some new Halloween stuff I bought and generally just hung out.  About 15 mins before we needed to leave , I asked Preston to go the bathroom.

That’s where it all fell apart.  Hell, it didn’t fall apart, it freaking imploded. Preston fell to the floor, crying, not wanting to try to go. I cajoled. I joked. I insisted.  I counted. I threatened. Finally, I yelled. And I’m pretty sure that I didn’t stop for those 15 minutes (or longer). I carried him to the toilet and put him on it. I yelled about him being lazy and how if he had just gone to the bathroom when I first mentioned it, he could be back to playing and getting ready for practice. I told him he made me sad and that I didn’t understand what happened to my sweet, laid-back, totally cool and easy kid.  I told him if he was going to act like a baby, then he wouldn’t get to do big kid things like video games and ipods and DS.  I was seething. I slammed the bathroom door. Twice.

And then I gave up.  I told him I loved him, but I didn’t very much like how he was acting. (He’s been having whiny meltdowns and crying about the little things a LOT lately and it’s such a change from how he normally has been!!)

He insisted he wanted to quit soccer and dissolved into heartbreaking sobs when I told them he would have to tell his coach, his teammates and his dad himself.  I threatened to make him turn in his jersey (he was all for it – hello, backfire). He cried all the way out to the car. On the way to practice, Matt tried his best to help, but Preston was having none of it. When we got to practice, I sent Matt to play so we could talk.  He continued to cry and I realized I had absolutely no clue what I was doing.  I want to raise my boys to finish what they start, to live up to their responsibilities.  They chose soccer, they should finish soccer.  But at what point is that just not worth it? Is this really a life lesson with potential for future implications; will he think it’s ok to quit anything, anytime?  Or is it really that he’s 5 and in all day kindergarten and probably simply exhausted and should be able to quit?  I felt completely lost and near tears myself.

Then my knight in shining armor rode up on his white horse drove up in his car and saved me and the boy from the imminent meltdown.

Mike got him to put his stuff on and go to practice “just for a little while”. And then, he was going to send me home, but Preston wanted me to stay, so even though I was totally sad panda, I did.

Mike got him out there, his teammates and coaches encouraged him and he had fun.  He had fun.  He laughed, he ran and he practiced.

His next game is on Saturday.  Mike and I figure if we get him there about an hour early (without him knowing that) he will have plenty of time to wake up, warm up and be ready to play.

Fingers crossed.

The house is quiet now.

Damn, I’m glad this day is over and we get to try again tomorrow.

Tagged as: being a mom, guilt, I'm a crappy parent, preston, soccer, yelling