I saw her twice today; odd that in a city of that size and the number of stores around that I would cross paths with her twice.

I first saw her at the shoe store. She was gushing over some gorgeous heels while the saleslady checked backstock for her size.  She was there to buy some shoes for a wedding; one time wear that she knew she wasn’t going to keep on for very long, she said with a laugh.  ”I love heels!” I heard her say and her enthusiasm made me smile and wish that *I* loved heels.  I saw her a few more times while I was shopping – her red dress and contagious laugh were easy to find.

I’ve been a sneaker/flip flop kind of girl for a long time now; t-shirts and jeans are my daily uniform (much to my mother’s dismay).  I should dress better. I would like to dress better, but jeans and tees are comfortable, easy and cheap.  If someone were to nominate me for What Not To Wear or offer to buy me a new wardrobe, I would take them up in a heartbeat.

I walked through the aisles today, trying on shoe after shoe and for the first time in my life, I was drawn to shoes that weren’t flip flops and that weren’t sneakers.  The problem is that I don’t know how to wear other shoes, or even have much in the way of clothes to go with them. I ended up with some slight heels for my outfit tomorrow night and a pair of slip on shoes to wear otherwise.

The second time I saw her, she was leaving Target.  Again, I was struck by her mere presence and confidence.  The reason?  I was jealous.  She was what all women should be….especially those of us who aren’t a size 4.

See, it’s pretty simple.  I’ve gained a lot of weight over the past 6 years – 2 pregnancies and no weight loss and then continued lack of exercise and eating right will do that to a girl.  I’m bothered by my weight – mostly because it’s in my belly area the most, so I’ve gotten the dreaded “When are you due?” question more than once.  My arms could stand to be toned up, as could my legs.  Of course, my ass is large, but that doesn’t bother me either.  And seriously? the bigger boobs side effect of being fatter is not minded by me (I love mah bewbies).  But the biggest thing is that I don’t SEE myself as fat as I am. Yes, I know I am, but when I look in the mirror, I’ve got some reverse-anorexia thing going on or something.

Anyway, this woman was a couple sizes bigger than me and wearing a great red wrap dress, spunky black heels and the confidence of….um, well, someone really confident.

And I thought why can’t *I* be confident and fat?

Because when it comes down to it, I am the same exact person as I was when I was thinner. I mean, I’ve changed in a lot of ways, but those have all been changes that came from general life and were not related to my weight. I’m probably more confident than I have ever been before.

So I blame society.

Yes, I need to lose weight, and by making small changes, I am working on that. But in the meantime, life doesn’t stop and I still need to live happily and honestly and fully.

Tomorrow night I am going to Mike’s High School Reunion with him and I am wearing a dress. And I am kind of excited to dress up a litte.  Except I’m afraid of how fat everyone will think I am.  Which is where it comes in that I blame society.  Because if it weren’t for my concerns of how everyone will think of me, I wouldn’t be worried about it at all.  But society has put such a value on being thin and beautiful and thin, that I just know, that no matter how confident I pretend to be, that in the back of my head I’ll be wondering who is whispering about how fat their high school buddy’s wife is.

Ridiculous, isn’t it?