The end of this part

October 28, 2009 · 3 comments

It was summer when I started this journey…a glance down at my own suntanned leg, and then a second glance. A few moments of concern, then a phone call. More phone calls and an appointment made. A little mole that caught my eye, but I was never worried. Skin cancer never crossed my mind as a reality.

It is fall now…the road we travel to and from my appointments at the University of Michigan hospital are lined with trees that have turned crimson and gold; the river nearby flows smoothly by and the sky is the blue of perfection. I’ve seen the trees change on this journey; I’ve felt myself change.

I’m sitting in a waiting room, ready for an MRI. I’ve never had one and never thought that I would need one, barring something bad happening. I guess this is my bad. Later tonight I will get CAT scans. The scans will be reviewed by my medical oncologist and assuming they don’t turn up anything out if the ordinary, this will be my last interaction with U of M until my follow up in February.

My leg is slowly but surely healing; I still have to take it slow and it is (literally) painfully obvious when I overdo it. The physical scars will be a reminder for a long time, visible whenever I don’t have long pants on. I don’t mind the reminder. It’s important not to get complacent. It’s important to remember that it could come back. It’s important to really realize that the next five years are the most critical in regard to self-examinations and follow-up visits. Mostly, it’s important to make sure my boys are protected from the sun I once basked in sans sunscreen.

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Things are a little crazy at my office right now. I went in yesterday and helped patients and I enjoyed it; I liked being there for that. Finacially, things are just this side of disaster. I’ve made some serious mistakes over the past year or two and it’s come back and smacked me upside the head, including the upsetting of a good friend. I’ve sincerely apologized and am attempting to fix things, but in the meantime, I’m moving on. I’m taking responsibility and letting it go. My priorities have shifted; me and my family come first. We have to.

I will get the office figured out; economy willing we will rebound from this sooner than later. I love having the office, but over the past few years, my focus has definitely shifted. Now that the boys are in school I can find what I loved about my work again (I hope). It was never my dream, owning an optometry office…I fell into it, willingly, but truly I fell into it. I am very lucky and blessed, but I have lost the love I once had. And the finacial issues are making it hard to reclaim my love.

I need to sit down, get organized and figure things out. I need to face my problems, make a plan to solve them and implement the plan.

{But I’m tired. And I don’t wanna. And I can’t do as much as I want to yet. And time won’t slow down and give me just a few free hours of slowing the hell down.}

I have other dreams, lots of ideas, things I want to do, but they’re all jumbled up with my office and my family and not enough hours in the day.

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My MRI and CT scans went well; once again I was treated so well by people who were friendly and seemed to love their work. The MRI was loud, but not that bad. No one mentioned the fact that I would have to drink chalky nastiness prior to my CT scans!! Trust me when I say that berry is nasty tasting and mocha is just slightly better. Perhaps if they froze them it would be better! I could barely finish the first cup, let alone a second! Gah!!

I should hear from my doctor early next week, and then I can breathe through the holiday season.

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Friday I have to go to a funeral. I hate funerals. I appreciate the idea, but the whole sobbing in a room full of other gsobbing people just makes me uncomfortable. I prefer a memorial..people talking, laughing even, remembering the person alive.

Anyway, it’s for the daughter of one of employees. She was 22, and I still don’t know what happened to her other than she died in her sleep. Her mom, understandably, is devastated. She’s one of those good people that you have to wonder how much they can take, you know? So I will go for her, in hopes that just being there gives her some sense of comfort for at least a little while.

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Tomorrow is Matt’s Halloween parade and party at school. This year they are doing it at the end of the day….and I’m so scared he’s going to totally ruin it before Saturday!!!

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Still planning on those pictures from the pumpkin patch…and carving….stay tuned!!

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