Watching

I watch and listen to them playing; brothers and friends. But already I can see that there will be a day, soon, when Matt doesn’t want his baby brother hanging around.

Preston stands behind the marketplace, calling out to his brother
“Matt, you want to come shopping here?” “Matt! Come shopping! I have lots of good stuff!”

I find myself holding my breath, torn between distracting Preston with another game and screaming at Matt to just play with his brother. I’m not sure, but I think my heart might leap out of my chest and get soaked in my tears any second.

Finally, after what seems like hours but is obviously just moments, Matt approaches the marketplace and they play together.  I can see the happiness on Preston’s face and I can breathe again.

————-

My brother and I weren’t close growing up.. The five year age difference was too much. My cousins, on the other hand, grew up as best friends, the way that only sisters can be. I always wanted that; I still envy that.  When we found out Preston was a boy, my mind filled with fantasies of them being best friends, siblings who wanted to play and be together. I was thrilled about the 2 year age difference. I have visions of them in high school, growing up.

What I didn’t prepare myself for was this in between time..this time when Matt is in school learning how to be a big kid (overrated, FYI) while Preston stays home. This time during which Preston adores his big brother and Matt isn’t quite sure it’s good enough. Matt is testing and trying; acting out and talking back – growing up. Preston still gets sheepish when he does something wrong, and his “I’m sorry, mommy” has meaning every time.

I probably baby him too much; he is my cuddler and very possibly my last baby, so I am not anxious to let go. But still, I’m guessing that I’m in for a long road ahead with these two boys. I’m guessing they’ll alternate being best friends and enemies for the rest of their lives. And I guess I’ll be the one standing by, silently screaming at them to just live each other and enjoy the opportunity to have a built in friend; the one wiping tears, scolding, and then sobbing behind closed doors while they figure it out.

Someone should have warned me about the constant heart palpatations that come with being a mama.

————-

Last night was good, by the way. Matt slept all the way through, no crying out for any reason.  Preston made it until about 5:30am, so Mike got him juice before he left for work. And it was ok, since (a) it wasn’t the result of screaming in the middle of the night and (b) Preston never went back to sleep!!!