Responsibility

August 14, 2007 · 4 comments

When Matt asks me why his dad is at work or why I have to go to work, I usually tell him that it’s because we have responsibilities; important things that we have to do to take care of you and your brother, the house, the dogs, and everything else. In general, that’s good enough for him. Every once in a while I’ll throw in the we work to make money to pay for the things we need.

But as I was getting Preston’s 500th cup of water-juice tonight, I was thinking about how sometimes, just sometimes, I don’t want to be the responsible one. Now, before ya’ll freak out, I’m not saying I don’t want my boys (or my house or my office or my pets), I’m just saying that sometimes it gets a little, well, whelming. Not overwhelming, but sometimes the line is clearly about to be crossed. Why do I always have to get more juice? Change a diaper? Wash the dishes? Pick up the toys? Do the laundry? Well, the list goes on and on and on… and sometimes. Sometimes. I just wish there was someone else to pick up after me. A maid…a nanny…a personal assistant…someone. But only for the boring, repetitious, I’m-so-sick-of-doing-this kind of stuff. I certainly wouldn’t want them to get all of the giggles and hugs and middle of the night “hi mommy” from P as he snuggles in closer. And I remind myself that I knew what I was getting myself into when we decided to get pregnant and have kids. And at the end of the day, (you know, when it’s all quiet and dark and everyone is finally asleep? 😀 ) I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I have an acquaintance who has 3 kids. She’s about my age; all kids under 5. Her first kid was basically the perfect child – slept well, good disposition, happy, quiet, all around fantasy child. As most of us would assume, most people don’t get that lucky more than once, let alone 3 times. Her second child is a hellion. Mean, potty-mouth, hateful. Hard to believe a 3 year old can be that way, but totally is. Third child is always being beat up on by 2nd child and doesn’t say a word. Not. One. Word. So sad. Anyway, it’s not her kids so much that kill me, but her. She’s a party girl. She doesn’t really want to be a mom. Well, that’s probably not true; she wants to be a mom to perfect children so she can continue her life with minimal interruption (well duh!). Obviously, it isn’t going her way. Word on the street (LOL) is that she wants to take some parenting classes. Seriously, 5 years later? I applaud her effort (if she really does it), but I truly believe if she wanted be a mom at all, she would simply have listened to her instincts and been a parent. Or hell, look around herself – she has a SIL who is a fabulous mom and would so help her!

I guess I’m just annoyed by it. Her. A couple of weeks ago, she was going to get a job (did I mention she’s a sahm?) so “someone else could figure her kids out” and “it would be better if someone else could do the parenting part”. Eek, right? WHY did you have kids?! It’s like she doesn’t even realize that they still have to be parented after 5 o’clock and for the rest of their lives!!!

And she might be pregnant again.

And I think of all of those people who suffer so horribly with not being able to have children and want them and want the responsibilities of parenting and her she is, not even wanting it and she gets pregnant at the drop of a hat. WTF?

The world works in mysterious ways and I don’t even have the energy to try to figure it out. But I will throw a prayer out there that she gets it all figured out and her kids don’t suffer any longer.

EDITED TO ADD (in response to Liv’s comment)

Very good point, Liv and well-taken. Unfortunately, it’s hard to assume she’s doing her best when she consistently does what she knows to be wrong. Drinking/partying all through her pregnancies is just one example. I wish her desire to have other people deal with her kids was because she was overwhelmed or just didn’t know what to do, but she has a large support base of friends with kids and it seems that the thing to do for them is to leave the kids 5 nights a week to go out to the bars. It’s been a longtime coming, this judgment of mine. I am the first to give other moms the benefit of the doubt in pretty much any situation, but those doubts have become reality. Perhaps she’s afraid to be a failure, but she tends to refuse all true help; in essence, making herself a failure any way.

Either way, if I honestly thought she was doing her best, I wouldn’t be bothered by her at all.  I am a HUGE believer in people doing the best they can for their family, no matter what that involves.  I will never get in a breast vs. bottle debate, co-sleeping debate or homeschool vs. public vs. private debates or any other of the hot-button mom debates because the bottom line is that I will do the best for my family and as long as you (general you) are doing the best for yours, it’s all good.

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In other news, the wise and wonderful one was cranky tonight (Yes, you totally were!) after measuring and figuring and then discovering that since the birth of P and subsequently being kicked out of his ‘office’, that there is no place else to put his desk except our bedroom. He feels cramped – which I totally get – he has a lot of junk, two computers and a corner of our room.

Every suggestion I had was shot down, so aside from either closing off our front room and making it an office or finishing the basement (or making the boys share a room), he’s stuck in our bedroom. I feel for him; I seriously do. But, the deal was if we had 2 kids, he would lose his room and I would keep mine. Of course, I’m pretty sure that the deal was made with the anticipation of us having the basement done sometime in the past 3 years. So I feel bad because I know he needs his own space – and truly, I would accept and encourage the closing in of our front room (used for some family computer use, so that wouldn’t change and making couch cushion forts) to be an office for him /us. The basement is a huge amount of work. The drywall is up and it’s been mudded and taped, but needs more. Time consuming, dirty, boring work. And indeed it would be nice to have the basement finished if for no other reason than one more place for the boys to play, but I understand that it is totally overwhelming and discouraging as soon as he walks down into the junkpile that we refer to as the basement.

So if anyone (a) wants to volunteer to finish the basement 0r close in our front room or (b) has any other suggestions for us, please leave a comment. All ideas are welcome!

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

liv August 15, 2007 at 5:38 am

About the first half, it is frustrating to see someone struggle. I think the biggest step, admittedly hard for me, is to turn back from the rush to judgment. I really cling to the notion that people are \"doing the best they can with the tools that they have.\" (one of Oprah\'s flunkie\'s says that) and she may not have the best tools. all I\'m saying is that in order to get anywhere as a sisterhood we need to lay down our weapons.

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liv August 15, 2007 at 12:38 pm

About the first half, it is frustrating to see someone struggle. I think the biggest step, admittedly hard for me, is to turn back from the rush to judgment. I really cling to the notion that people are “doing the best they can with the tools that they have.” (one of Oprah’s flunkie’s says that) and she may not have the best tools. all I’m saying is that in order to get anywhere as a sisterhood we need to lay down our weapons.

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amanda August 19, 2007 at 2:13 am

Trying to make sense of other people\'s decisions is so futile. You are a dear person to worry, but free yourself of that burden. Just be the best mom, wife and woman you can. Wish I could swing gifting you a helper.

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amanda August 19, 2007 at 9:13 am

Trying to make sense of other people’s decisions is so futile. You are a dear person to worry, but free yourself of that burden. Just be the best mom, wife and woman you can. Wish I could swing gifting you a helper.

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